Alucard Hour
by Incubus-106
Summary: Alucard gets his own TV special....O.O Rated for my and Alucard's mouth. Please R
1. Hello Fans

**Alucard Hour  
**  
**Disclaimer:** **_I do not own Hellsing or anything else that may appear in this fic_**.  
  
**Summery:** **_Alucard has his own TV Special. He rants, he reviews, he criticizes, he is on the TV for an hour.  
_**  
**A/N:** O.o;.............Hello  
  
**Setting: ****_The underground of the Hellsing Mansion.  
_  
Time-** **_11:30pm, so the little children won't be up.  
_**  
_You see Alucard in his chair with a thick volume in his lap. His eyes scan the page lazily.  
_  
**"Hey!"** _someone shouts,_ **"We are shooting!"**  
  
_Alucard looks up from his book._ **"Why are you humans still in here? I thought I told you to leave."  
**  
**"You said you would be on our TV special damn it!"  
  
"TV special?"** _Alucard raises his eyebrow.  
_  
**"Yes you bloody vampire! Like you know, the little box with people entertaining you!?"**  
  
**"Oh yes, I remember now, you want to try to put me in that stupid box..."** _Alucard says while rising and tossing his book to the side.  
_  
**"NOT THAT AT ALL MR.ALUCARD!....please don't hurt me.."  
**  
**"Oh! Yes! I wanted to have my own TV show, I remember now."  
  
**_Alucard sits back down and picks up his book._  
  
**"Erm...Mr.Alucard?"  
**  
_Alucard rolls his eyes_. **"What is it?"  
**  
**"Erm...We are live..you're on TV right now...as we speak..."  
  
**_Alucard puts down his book and stares at the camera_.  
  
**_15 minutes later........................_**  
  
**"FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! SAY SOMETHING DAMN IT!"  
**  
_A sly grin of amusement played across Alucard's charming yet terrifying lips._ **"Something damn it!"  
**  
_You hear someone crying.  
_  
**"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"** _Alucard busts out not able to contain his amusement of successfully making the human cry without even hurting him.  
_  
**_5 minutes later........._**  
  
_Alucard straitens himself in the chair after laughing for so long of a time_.  
  
**"As for the first thing I would like to speak about.."** _He reaches into his book and pulls out a picture of Vash Stampede from Trigun.  
_  
**"Is it just me, or does this blond have style?"** _He says pushing the picture towards the screen, pointing out the coat and glasses.  
_  
**"I would just like to let all of you know, that the rumor of him being my lover is completely, and assuredly UNTRUE!"  
  
"I have yet to find out who started this forsaken rumor, but rest assured, when I find you, I shall let my hell hounds make you into not but dog shit!"** _Alucard once more straitens himself.  
_  
**"Another note for you all to remember....."  
  
**_Alucard again pulls a picture out of his book. This time it is one of Anderson.  
  
It has a few holes in the head, alluding to the fact that someone had been playing darts with it.  
  
He holds up both Vash and Anderson pictures.  
_  
**"These are the real couple right here. Vash and Paladin"  
**  
_Alucard laughs insanely.  
  
Suddenly Seras barges through the door.  
  
_**"Master I.."** _she starts.  
  
The camera turns towards her.  
  
_**"Who are these people master?"** _she says smiling sheepishly to the camera and waving.  
_  
**"My camera crew, Police Girl"**  
  
**"Ohh....."** _she starts backing out of the door.  
_  
**"Wait, what did you want?"  
**  
**"Um...,"** _she starts talking really fast,_ **"Pip wastheone who startedthe rumorsabout you."** _Then ran off.  
_  
**"Pip?"** _Alucard grined like the manic he is_. **"Mwahahahahaha! I think in a bit I shall have to go."**  
  
_His sly smile turned once more to the camera.  
_  
**"A few more things before I go though."  
**  
**"I just recently watched the old movie "Salem's Lot" I'm wonder how many people were actually frightened by the purple bald master vampire?"  
**  
**"That had to be the most god awful vampire I have seen."  
  
"Even though the black on white movies made me bald as well as other vampires, but this one was purple!"  
**  
**"Besides, did you see his fangs? They looked like something from Harry Potter's head. They were both the shape of a lighting bolt."  
  
"Maybe the vampire collided with Harry Potter and that's what made the lighting bolt shaped scar on his fucking forehead."  
  
"Just one more thing....."  
**  
_Alucard reaches down and pulls out a picture of Incognito.  
_  
**"Since this fucking vampire reject has no name, I have decided to take it upon myself to name him, even though he is dead."  
  
"I shall name him......Sailor Bob......for absoultly no apparent reason. I just want to further degrade him. He .....hurt my master."  
**  
**"And now kiddies, it is 12:30, and I have a Pip to torture!"** _Alucard says with excited look_.  
  
**"Please make sure to come back next time"**  
  
_Alucard suddenly disappears_.  
  
A/N: Sorry it was short, hey! If you guys would like Alucard to read fan mail for you, send it in the review. Btw....please R&R! Have a nice day. Oh, and dreadfully sorry to any Anderson or Vash fans, but hey, its Alucard. I was just trying to go from his POV. 


	2. Welcome back to the Horror

**Alucard Hour  
**  
**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or anything else that is in this fic.  
  
A/N: Thank you for all of your reviews! I really appreciate them all!  
  
Setting: It is yet again in the dusty undergrounds of the Hellsing Mansion.  
  
Time- 11:30 PM  
**  
_You can see Alucard with his leg crossed over the other and a book placed on his lap._  
  
**"Welcome,"** _He says glancing up from his page_ **"To another episode of Alucard Hour."  
**  
_Amusement plays across his face and alights a fiendish fire in his crimson eyes.  
  
_**"With your host.....me Mwaha..ha..ha..ha"  
**  
_He lightly puts his book down.  
_  
**"But for now, I must say....Vash, the comment was more directed towards the Paladin then to you. I do not even know you"  
**  
**"As for another thing!,"** _Alucard says while protruding a picture of a white haired young man with medevil dress.  
_  
**"Apparently....this man's name is Alucard as well."  
  
"But as you may see, there are some extreme diffrances between us"  
  
"Number one: This Alucard is Dracula's son, I am in fact, Dracula. He is not my son by the way."  
**  
**"Number two: He has white hair. While at one time I too had white hair, I no longer do."  
  
"Number three: Call me bias, I think I am better dressed."  
  
"The fact of the matter is, we are not the same people, and I wish the ones who yet know not of me would quite assuming me to be him"  
**  
_Alucard picks up a pile of letters from the floor.  
_  
**"Now for the fan mail"  
**  
**"The first one reads as follows."**  
  
**_"Ahem...Mr.Alucard...  
  
May I capture you and make you be my love slave?  
  
-No Life Frog-"  
_**  
**"......"  
**  
_Alucard once more scans over the letter then arches an eyebrow.  
_  
**"No....You may not...MWAHAHAHAHAHA"** _he says with his all to known sadistic grin and laugh.  
_  
**"The second one."  
**  
_**"Hikari: Holds up sign the says ALUCARD with blood and pictures of him all over it WOOHOO! ALUCARD YOU ROCK! Question though, is it true that you have a crush on Integra? Are you filming another season of Hellsing or not? because you can't just leave a cliffhanger like that it's very impolite! You're gonna turn Integra into a vampire?! THERE'D BETTER BE MORE HELLSING! Again you rule Alucard! Hikari-sephyObsesser"  
  
**Alucard looks at the camera, you can almost see the disappointment in his eyes._  
  
**"Unfortunately Hikari, There was going to be one, but the Japanese people didn't like it. It never made it here."  
  
"As for my master, only when she will permit me to do so. Thank you."  
**  
**"As for me having a crush on her, I shall answer this along with the question from another letter after I have read it."  
**  
**"Third letter"  
**  
**_"Dear Alucard  
  
How do you feel about Ozzy Osborne's (hope i spelled that right) music? Him being called the Prince of Darkness might make him popular with Vampires. If you do like his music, what is your favorite song? By the way, I prefer Alucard/Seras pairings and apsolutly HATE Alucard/Intagra pairings. What is your take on the this?  
  
Phantom Reviewer "  
_**  
**"These issues are something very personal to me, and I do not care to disclose them."  
**  
**"The only things I may tell you are, they are both apart of me, I do not, repeat, do not like Anderson nor Pip, Walter and I are most certainly not like that."  
  
**_Alucard straitens himself after getting a bit crazy.  
_  
**"As for the Ozzy question, ...........He was a crazy son of a bitch in his time. His music is alright, my personal favorite I cannot place."   
**  
**"Ok, next letter."**  
  
_**"Mr. Alucard, I've quite enjoyed your show, though I was a tad bored from waiting for 15 minutes for that human to cry. Please make him cry faster next time. Impale him or something like that... By the way, what about inviting the other members of Hellsing for an interview? -Zenmusha"  
**_  
_The sadistic grin and maniac look returns to Alucard making him appear as insane as truly he is.  
_  
**"MWAHAHAHA...Surely you must have patience's young one"**  
  
**"Letter number five"  
**  
**_"Back again...this time I tide up Vash as he cries. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH...no for my fanquestion...um..ur...Would Alucard be interrested in doing a movie? And would you also like to be the director of it? !) Sees vash crawling out of corner of eye...I didn't say you could leave...Vash breaks rope and runs again...I'll be back again! chases Vash with a giant hammer. -Hell Hound"  
_**  
_Alucard wears a look of disgust._  
  
**"No, I do not want to be in a movie. I get enough fan girls trying to kill Seras and my master thinking somehow it will give them a better chance with me."  
  
"Not that this little TV Show will help that much I guess..."  
**  
**"On to my next act of insanity."**  
  
**_"Dear Dark Master of All Things Evil -  
  
I am a high priest of a wanna-be cult thing and would like to congratulate you on your pilot episode. You ability to make someone cry by just staring at them brings me and my cult followers to our knees. We would like to know if you would torture someone on the show for sadistic reasons that cannot be revealed in public. This would bring great pleasure to me and my cult followers, giving us a great reason to sin. Thank you for your time.  
  
-High Priest of a Wanna-Be Cult Thing"  
_**  
**"Just for you and you cult, I shall oblige, but instead of it being some nameless dog from the street corner, I shall show the tape of Pip's punishment for spreading rumors..."  
**  
**"Mwahahaha role the tape please"**  
  
_The tape rolls, and you see Pip in the shower. Alucard enters and seemingly hypnotizes Pip.  
  
Pip strolls out of the bathroom, down the hall, down the stairs, and through the front door completely nude passing Walter, Integra, and a profoundly blushing Seras.  
  
The tape stops momentarily, then comes back on where you may see a dark alleyway filled with FREAKS.  
  
About this time Pip's head shakes. He comes out of the trance.  
  
His eyes widen as he realizes what is surrounding him.  
  
His mouth drops as he goes for his trusty gun....and finds himself naked. He blushes and starts running.  
  
**The tape ends.  
**_  
_Alucard is seen again sitting comfortably in his chair. He shrugs.  
_  
**"Well I couldn't harm him, master would have been very angryMwahahaha"  
**  
"**Well young ones, it is now 12:30 and I must be leaving so you may watch those damn annoying commercials. Next time we'll have some members of this orginaztion as well as some others drop by."  
**  
**_A/N: Wow...damn its late. Sorry to anyone I disturbed. Sorry it wasn't that funny. And Sorry guys, I'm going to have to cut the fan mail he reads to a smaller amount. So write a good one! Please R&R!_**


End file.
